How I Got Lost.

Choices. Everybody’s Gotta Make Them.

Posted in Random Thoughts by Satish Vijay on March 3, 2009

Sixteen years of life. In fact, nearly seventeen years. Half of which, countless choices have been made. They started off with simple choices. What am I going to wear to school tomorrow? The red shirt or the orange shirt? Slowly, the choices were of higher difficulty. I just found out that my friend has been talking shit about me, behind my back. Should I confront him? Or should I pretend nothing happened and just hope that it won’t happen again? Everyone faces choices in their lives. Some harder than others. Some that can be life changing. My whole life I’ve tried to avoid making difficult choices. I’ve always felt comfortable with just settling with the simple choices in life and letting all the major problems play themselves out. It’s scary to make choices. Knowing that if you make the wrong choice, something terribly wrong can happen. Now, out of nowhere I’ve been given a truckload of choices to make. It’s hard and I don’t know what to do. And, I don’t know who talk to. Because lately, it seems that everyone I talk to is giving me the same piece of advice. Well, it’s not actually advice. More like, a reassurance that everything is going to be alright. How do they know? They’ve never experienced what I’m going through. They just tell me everything’s going to be okay because they’re my friends and they’re supposed to say that. It’s like, nobody actually understands, and to know that no one can help you just hurts even more.

If I choose to go with my physical desire, I won’t be publicly accepted. I’ll be shunned and looked down on. If I choose what everyone else seems to think is the “morally right” thing to do, will I be lying to myself? Do I even have  to choose? I like both. So fucking what? But somewhere in me, there’s a tiny voice saying that I do need to choose, and that I can’t ever have the best of both worlds.

Then there’s the choice of my career. I don’t know what I want. I don’t particulary find any interest in the course I’ve been given. Everyone has been telling me that it’s stupid to not like the course I’m given. That, the course is a difficult course to get into. I know it’s difficult to get in. I do feel blessed that I was able to get into a course that my parents like. But see, that’s the thing. It’s what my parents like. It’s what everyone else likes. It doesn’t matter about what I like. I want to choose what I want to do with my life, but the truth is that I don’t know what the fuck I want to do. What I’m best suited for, I don’t know. And it just makes me fucking frustrated. 

Many more choices to make. I don’t even know where to start. I need some time to think. My computer is being a fucking twat and now it doesn’t work anymore. So, I’m using my brother’s laptop for the time being. I’ll get my laptop I think by next week when I officially get enrolled into Singapore Polytechnic. If not, latest by the end of March.

I’ve been preoccupying myself with books lately. It’s been really therapeutic. You forget about all the shit that’s going on around you and you get so focused with the lives of these fictional characters. Then when you finish your book you realize that the shit that’s all around you is still there, and that you can’t hide from it all by reading a book.

I won’t update for awhile, I think. If I’m in the mood I’ll update. If not, then I won’t. So don’t have your hopes high that you’ll be able to read my nonsensical posts about how I’m slowly dying inside for all the pain I’m feeling,  for like… the next week or two. (Who am I kidding? No one actually cares about what I’m going through. They are probably laughing at my daily sufferings)

P.S. There are these two songs that have been stuck in my head ever since last week. The first song is Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson. It has a catchy tune. I loved Kris Allen’s (American Idol contestant) and Diana Vickers’s (X Factor contestant) covers of the song. The second one is With Or Without You, originally sang by U2, but was covered by Diana Vickers. X Factor is really addictive. I find the singers far more better, vocally, than those on American Idol. There’s only one thing I don’t particularly like about Diana. It’s her weird hand gestures in every performance. Haha.

Kris Allen’s rendition of Man In The Mirror.

Diana Vicker’s cover of Man In The Mirror.

Michael Jackson singing Man In The Mirror at the 1988 Grammy’s. This is just absolutely wonderful. It makes me sad knowing that he’s going through hell now. He has so much talent. I’m desperately waiting for his comeback! Michael is and always will be THE King of Pop!

Diana Vicker’s renditon of With Or Without You.

U2 singing With Or Without You.


One Response

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  1. Joe said, on March 7, 2009 at 9:15 AM

    it was lame how Tatiana only started speaking with an accent after the subject was brought up about Jorge’s accent

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