How I Got Lost.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself.

Posted in Random Thoughts by Satish Vijay on August 18, 2009

Procrastinator. Sarcastic. Impatient. Sensitive. Emotional. Short. Geek. Fat.

It sucks when you get all these stupid traits. It’s stupid how you look down on yourself so much that you get so self conscious when people walk past you. It’s sad how you constantly think about the future, and instead of imagining great things, you imagine  living alone in a total shit hole, going through life wondering if you’ll be able to afford the days to come. It’s pathetic how you look in the mirror and just get sick of looking at how ugly you look like.

Some people call it pessimism.
Why do I get pissed at people who call it that? Why do I see that sort of thinking as being a realist?
Why don’t I believe that I can be great? Why do I trust myself so little? & Why do I constantly question my abilities?

I wish I was like other people. I wish I actually believed that I could achieve something.
I laugh at people who say they pretend to be all right when everything’s not, because I think it’s all fake. I look at these people and I tell myself, “What the fuck are they complaining about? They have everything”. & I’m sorry for that. Someone told me that you should never say that. You never know what happens behind closed doors. You don’t know if they’re going through shit at home. You don’t know if they’re being beat. You don’t know what the hell they’re going through. So you don’t have the right to judge them and say that they’re just pretending to pretend to be alright. I know someone. Very funny. Very happy go lucky. Very carefree. But I found out they were going through hell at home. I never knew. See, these are the times when I look at myself and wonder why I’m complaining. I have a family who loves me. I have friends. Financially, I’m doing okay. What’s there to complain? Why do I keep ignoring the good things I have in life, and keep focusing on all the bad things that happen.

Now after I go say this, I’ll be okay for awhile. Then I’ll go through this whole cycle again. It’s annoying how you know something is wrong with you, but you can’t fix it. You try and try, but you can’t.

I want to get away from everyone. I want to meet new people. I want to get out of this town. I want to be like those kinds of people who live by the day, not caring what tomorrow brings. Why can’t I be like that? Why did god create me to worry so much. I over think things. Yet another bad trait.

Argh. This post is going nowhere. I just needed somewhere to rant.


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